Week 4: Our Surrender

From the very beginning of our relationship, we knew we both wanted to have children. Ben often said his greatest ambition was to become a good husband and a good father - talk about an attractive quality! When we set the date for our wedding, much of the timing was pertinent to other life events, primarily Ben's undergraduate completion. However, a big part of the decision regarding timing was in relation to when we anticipated being in a place to start a family. On one occasion, we were discussing what potential challenges we might face that would require us to avoid pregnancy for a time; when asked for examples, Ben couldn't think of any, instead saying "How are we going to have 12 kids if we're avoiding?!" Needless to say, the love and laughter that surrounded the conversation sealed the notion that we both hoped to be loving parents.

When the time came for us to truly welcome this gift, it was surprisingly challenging. Despite a deep desire for parenthood, the fear of the unknown was larger than first imagined. Over the course of several weeks, we spent time in prayer, asking God to offer us reassurance that we could trust in Him. Becoming open to conceive was a true process of humility and surrender. How much does it cost to raise a baby? Can we afford that? How much time do we need? Do we have that? How much sleep will we get? Can we afford to go without? So many questions flooded our minds. Ben was the constant through the entire process, believing steadfastly, offering reassurance and stability.

We tracked our cycles closely, so there was certainly no surprise, here. Kiersten signed up to be a study participant and was randomly gifted a supply of pregnancy tests. Only receiving 6, we didn't want to be wasteful. We also didn't want to bring ourselves unnecessary pain and disappointment. So, we agreed to wait until well beyond the date we expected nature to give us a negative result. We were not successful on the first attempt, a heartbreak far too many hopeful parents bear silently. Through the crushing disappointment, we found clarity in our surrender - the hope for a positive was far greater than any fears or uncertainties.

As a daily symptom tracker, Kiersten began making observations that indicated a positive result was likely, but the hope seemed too good to be true. As the days passed, anxiously awaiting the agreed upon testing window, the stress became overwhelming. After a particularly fierce conversation with God in a Walmart bathroom, Kiersten admitted that the ability to wait may be beyond her. Ben was receptive to testing earlier than we intended. Our research indicated that a morning test was best. So, we set our alarm early and did our best to get some rest. To her dismay, Kiersten observed a symptom while preparing the test that led her to believe it was all for naught, but we completed the test all the same. She couldn't bear to watch and stepped out to wait the full 3 minutes recommended. Ben was quite confused as she walked into the kitchen and set a timer. He waited the recommended time, all the same, but expressed that he didn't think it was necessary. It wasn't until the timer went off that it finally occurred to her why he might be so confused! Evidently, waiting a full 3 minutes wasn't necessary...only a few seconds were required. "You must be SUPER pregnant!" We laughed and hugged and praised God for this gift, eager to begin our journey of parenthood.